Wolf
by and you fall
Summary: It was just her luck, really, to stumble upon Uchiha Itachi when he was bathing in the river. ItaSaku. Crackfic.
1. Wolf

A/N: Is it safe to try a hand at humor with Itachi? No. But I'm doing it anyway.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!

-

Once, when Sakura was little, her mother told her the story of Little Red Riding Hood. She hadn't thought about it since she was a child, but it crossed her mind as she herself was running from the Big Bad Wolf on her way to Grandma's house.

But it was just her luck, really, to stumble upon Uchiha Itachi when he was _bathing _in the river. She, being the distinguished apprentice of the Gondaime Hokage, should have ran the instant she realized who exactly it was she was facing, even if he happened to be naked and staring at her rather dispassionately. She, being the renowned disciple of Tsunade, should have known that he would chase after her once she lingered too long, long enough for him to recognize her. It only made the situation worse, since the man had no modesty. When she had stumbled out of those bushes, he was already out of the river and crouching into a defensive position, kunai in hand. She had gawked, of course, which was ridiculous, considering the fact that she'd seen more naked men in her lifetime of nineteen years that most women could handle. Her face was still tomato red, even after thirty minutes of running from the S-class criminal.

She pumped more chakra into the soles of her feet desperately, knowing he was not far behind. It was bad enough that Sakura was already tired from her three-day trip back to Konoha - not to mention that she had just gotten done with a ridiculously exhausting B-Ranked mission in The Land of Waves. Sakura irritably wiped perspiration from her forehead and pushed herself harder.

**He's catching up! Sweet Kami, he's right behind you!** Inner Sakura yelled, grimacing. **Well, some genius **_**you**_** are. **

'Be _quiet_! I'm _trying_, in case you haven't noticed,' she snapped back, growling obscenities under her breath. There wasn't much she could do, now, so Sakura frowned and whipped a kunai out of its holster. Even naked, wet, and totally vulnerable, Uchiha Itachi would not lose to a pink-haired medic-nin who just happened to be the prodigy disciple of the fifth Hokage. Strong as Sakura was now, Itachi was stronger. No matter what, he would always be stronger than her.

Sakura clenched her teeth, feeling the urge to pull at her hair in her rage, but resisted such an urge.

Sakura could tell by now that he was literally inches behind her, breathing on her neck, so she tried with one last burst of chakra to push herself forward.

Itachi saw this, then pounced.


	2. Punishment

a/n: Nice reactions…thanks guys. XD I came up for this idea by listening to some cracky songs…it helps. ;3

-

Sakura's first reaction was to scream. The next was to realize that a naked - well, nearly naked, anyway - man was on top of her.

She squeezed her eyes shut in preparation for the collision to the ground, but nothing ever game. Hesitantly, she peeked one eye open, and was awarded with a pair of Sharingan eyes.

"Hey!" Sakura protested, noticing their position. He was holding her closely to his chest - which was still wet, Sakura noted with annoyance -, one hand under the bottom of her knees, one supporting her back. He dropped her unceremoniously, and she protested again, landing on her ass and probably bruising it. "Thanks a lot - save me then drop me like a clumsy three-year-old," Sakura hissed, standing, but stumbling a little bit due to her lack of chakra. It could be replenished easily - an hour of rest would be enough to bring it back to normal, maybe - but Sakura was more concerned with the fact that Itachi had gone through all the trouble of chasing her through the forests in nothing but a towel.

_Bastard,_ Sakura growled, crouching low into a defensive position. _I hope he catches hypothermia and dies. Seriously._

**You're enjoying it,** Inner Sakura pointed out, cackling.

_Am not! _

**Excuses won't work here, Sakura-chan,** Inner Sakura cooed, **since we share the same mind.**

_Shit!_

Sakura cursed aloud, and was about to lunge at Itachi with everything that he had left when his cultured voice stopped her in her tracks.

"Haruno Sakura," he said, Sharingan eyes whirling calmly.

"What?"

"I believe you interrupted my bath."

Sakura blinked at the Uchiha, then scowled, whipping a kunai out and holding it in front of her threateningly. He didn't even flinch. "What kind of S-class criminal bathes in the middle of enemy territory anyway?" she retorted dryly. "You could have been attacked."

"Konoha ninja are weak," Itachi replied carelessly, and Sakura's fist clenched around the handle of the kunai. "It was of no concern to me."

"What - so you're immortal now?" Sakura sighed.

Itachi just stared at her, the water dripping down his ebony hair and spilling down fine collarbones. Sakura gulped, ignoring Inner Sakura's whoops, and forced her eyes to stay focused on his face - even then she was disconcerted. He looked so much like Sasuke-kun that it made her heart ache and her eyes heavy with tears, but she brushed that off as well, letting her eyes trail down those lines harshly carved into ivory skin.

**Skin that's been stained with blood. Sasuke-kun's family!** Inner Sakura reminded her. **He's the reason that Sasuke-kun left. **

_Oh, shut up! I know that! Don't you think I do?_ Sakura yelled angrily.

"You have no manners," Itachi seemed to sigh at that, closing crimson eyes as if the fact she was welding a kunai and was looking pissed off didn't matter to him.

"Manners? Kami! You're the one that trailed after me in a towel - " Sakura blushed, " - just to scold me!"

"Such manners," Itachi continued, ignoring her protest, "require a punishment."

"Punishment?" Sakura questioned numbly. "What the hell are you going on about?"

"You will wash the filth of the forest from my body. After all, I was clean before you came upon me. It's your responsibility to wash me, now."

He said this so nonchalantly that Sakura blushed.

**Hmm, sounds erotic,** Inner Sakura purred.

Sakura screamed again - more from anger than anything.

"YOU HAVE _**GOT**_ TO BE KIDDING ME!" Sakura protested loudly, and Itachi narrowed his eyes dangerously. However smart Sakura may be, she continued on, her voice getting louder as she went on.

"LOOK. Let's just forget this _ever_ happened, 'kay? I already have enough stress on me as it is - when I get home, I'll have to report to Tsunade-shishou, then Naruto will drag me to Ichiriku to watch him devour ramen, and then I will have to rush to the hospital to take care of patients! After that Kakashi-sensei will make me train with Sai-san and Naruto, and then I'll be given another mission to some foreign country that will take days to get to. It's a freaking circle! I - "

Sakura cut off abruptly when Itachi suddenly appeared before her, red eyes hard and annoyed. She took a shaky step back, realizing her mistake.

"You have no manners," Itachi said again, coldly. "Such manners require a punishment."

Sakura deflated, and Itachi marveled at the way her sparkle never left her eyes, even when her face collapsed inside of itself, defeated. He could see the fiery anger in the emerald depths, along with annoyance and exhaustion. The cherry blossom was depleted, and Itachi could see it, too. Uncaring, Itachi reached out to pick up a strand of roseate; instinctively Sakura flinched away from him. Itachi rubbed his fingers together, feeling the grime from her hair.

"It seems like you need to bathe as well," Itachi observed, turning his back to her. "If you do not follow, I will kill you."

Sakura grumbled something, but Itachi didn't catch it - or he just didn't care. Most likely the latter.

**That sounded like an invitation,** Inner Sakura cooed, and Sakura gritted her teeth tightly. **Think maybe he'll 'wash' us too?**

_How many times do I have to tell you to shut up…?_

-

;3


	3. Enjoy the Moment

a/n: Thanks for all the reviews. This is my first attempt at ItaSaku, however cracky it may be, so bear with me. :3

-

Sakura followed closely behind Uchiha Itachi, her emerald eyes narrowed and trying desperately to ignore the towel that was flapping dangerously in the wind and her inner self berating her for not taking advantage of the whole situation.

_If anyone would be taking advantage, it would be Itachi,_ Sakura replied tiredly. _I'm the one who's chakra is exhausted. I'm the one who's a woman and weaker than he is._

**Where's your spirit, Sakura? If he does try to take you, you can always fight back. You still have a little chakra left.**

_Yeah, but it's only a little. It won't be enough to heal myself if I get hurt - I won't even be able to throw in a good punch... _Sakura sighed, unwilling to converse with her split self any longer, so she threw up some mental walls that might guard her from Inner Sakura's enraged screams for a bit. Right now she need to concentrate on using as little chakra as she could, while at the same time appearing to look totally nonchalant, even if she was staining horribly to keep up with the grueling pace Itachi was setting.

If Tsunade-shishou ever found out about this, Sakura feared for her life, and possibly her position as head medic. She was twenty-two; and she was unwilling to throw away everything she had worked for over the years. Though, Tsunade-sensei would most likely stare at her, laugh hysterically, then ask if Sakura was still a virgin. **After all, we gotta save that for Sasuke-kun,** Inner Sakura cut in soberly.

_I've been saving everything for Sasuke,_ Sakura replied sadly. _But he's not coming back. If he ever does, he'll most likely get the death penalty. Each way he dies a traitor._

**Aww, don't think like that, Sakura-chan,** Inner Sakura cooed, her face oddly sympathetic. **Hey, when we get home, how about we convince Tsunade-shishou to give us a day off or two? We've been on missions for weeks now. You need to get really drunk and lay in bed for about two days.**

_Yeah…._ Sakura thought wistfully. _That sounds great._ _Naruto will miss me. At least Hinata's there to keep him calm._

"Kunoichi."

She halted to a stop at the sound of Itachi's cultured tone. He was already below her, looking up at her with obsidian eyes that were the deepest shade of night. She dropped to the ground as gracefully as she could manage, and Itachi was already pulling the tie out of his hair and shaking the water out.

Now that Sakura looked, Itachi really _was_ dirty. His legs and arms were covered in scratches from running in the woods - some were still bleeding - and his face looked grimy and had some dirt on it.

"Your punishment begins now," Itachi said, pulling the towel from around his waist and walking to the river.

Sakura covered her eyes with her hands, her face red. _Kami must really hate me up there…_

**No, he doesn't! Hey! Why are you shielding your eyes?! Look! **

Sakura peeked through her fingers to see that Itachi had sunken contentedly into the water. She sighed, then began to remove her gloves. She was about to set them down near her medic pack - which she had dropped near Itachi's discarded clothes - but his voice stopped her again.

"How do you expect to wash and heal me when you are on the banks?"

"The deal was that I wash you, not _with_ you. I am not touching you more than necessary."

"Are you afraid that I will take you? I am not asking you to take your clothes off, Sakura-san," Itachi pointed out, and Sakura blinked at the polite suffix at the end of her name. "I am not asking you to touch me in any ways other than to clean me. There is no reason to be frightened."

Sakura scoffed. "No reason? You're a deadly Akatsuki. You're a renegade that has killed more men than any other person in the world, possibly. And you think I'm afraid? What makes you think that?"

Itachi narrowed his eyes at her acidic sarcasm.

"Do you _want_ me to do that, then?" he whispered, leaning back into the rocks behind him. "We both know that I could. It would be easy. You have less than a third of your chakra left - you are tired."

"No. Stop," Sakura sighed, lowering her head slightly, unaware this made her look like she was a child being scolded. "I get it, okay? You don't have to rub it in my face. I know these things."

"Then why is it so hard?"

"Why are you so stubborn? Does it run in Uchiha blood?" Sakura spat, but came towards Itachi. He watched the push and pull movement of her legs through half-lidded eyes - Uchiha Itachi was not one to ogle a woman because she was physically attractive. But who said he didn't, every now and then? He was a man, after all. No amount of power or killing could ever change that fact.

Sakura was weak. But at the same time she possessed such strength it fascinated him.

"Come here," Itachi said.

Sakura looked at him tiredly, her emerald orbs almost glowing with such irritation. She plopped down on the banks of the river, and started to remove her boots, watching Itachi through narrow slits. He stared back, unconcerned with her proximity and her anger.

"Still, you'd better not try anything," Sakura said in a tired voice, shivering as the cold water rushed across her bare calves. She sank into the water slowly, eyeing Itachi as he looked at her calmly. She dipped her hand into the water, touching his leg very gently, her expression guarded. Just the feel of his silky skin underneath her hand made her skin stand up in goosebumps, but she discarded such a feeling and concentrated on healing his wounds. Itachi watched the soft glow of her chakra surround his leg, immediately sealing the slightly torn skin.

Itachi almost smirked at her uncomfortable expression; she was currently running her hand up and down his leg, searching with her chakra for anymore cuts. She was biting that generous bottom lip, and her verdant eyes were concentrated, despite her position. Her slender hands moved to his bicep, doing the same, and Itachi listened to the sounds of the water splashing against their bodies.

"There. All healed," Sakura murmured absentmindedly, pulling her hands away from his body. She reached across him for the soap that was discarded on the sandy banks - before the soap touched him, however, she hesitated. "Where are you planning me to wash? I sure as hell am NOT going below the waist, dammit, and if you force me to I'll - "

He interrupted her by closing his long fingers around her wrist. She stared at his hand for a moment, then watched as Itachi drew it up near his collarbone. "Start here," he said, and so Sakura scrubbed.

**Ehehee…doesn't he look **_**delicious?**_** We are so damn lucky, you know?**

_I hate you._

**Just look at him! You don't have to stare at your hands the entire time! He's checking you out - why can't you -**

_Wait, what? He's ogling me?_

**Yeah. Just look at him, for Kami's sake! He's undressing you with his eyes!**

_He probably could, too. Damn freaky Sharingan…_

**Not that we would mind, though. I mean, he's a pretty nice member of the male species, and all…**

Sakura's thoughts were interrupted by Itachi's voice.

"Sakura."

"Eh?"

"You're cleaning the same spot."

She looked down at her hand, which was still located near his collarbone. The skin was slightly red from being abused so much.

"Oh…" she grumbled - Sakura moved to the other side of his chest, rubbing the soap in tiny circles. Itachi watched her though half-lidded eyes, Sharingan whirling lazily. "You know," Sakura said casually, "you watching me makes this awfully hard to do."

"How can I not watch you?" Itachi replied, raising a hand from the water.

Sakura reacted immediately, kunai in her hand, but Itachi discarded it easily, and his hand was around her wrist again.

"Get off me," she hissed angrily, emerald eyes spitting fire at him.

He looked amused. "No."

"What the hell - " Sakura began, but was cut off by the feeling of lips on hers.

**Told you,** Inner Sakura said smugly.

Sakura froze instantly at the feeling of wet lips against hers, so Itachi took this opportunity to drag her over onto his lap. She squeaked, blushing furiously at the fact that she was on a naked man's lap, and Itachi slipped his tongue into her mouth as she opened to him. He sucked on her lips, enticing another whimper from her. Intoxicated by his scent, his taste, Sakura slid her tongue against his sweetly.

_Oh, God dammit…how am I going to explain this to Tsunade-shishou?_

**We don't have to…**

_That's true…but…_

**Oh, stop whining and enjoy the moment. It's not like we'll get any action otherwise.**

_True again, my friend. Shall we?_

**Let's.**

-

…XD

Don't worry - I wouldn't be so cruel to stop it there. I'm thinking maybe…two more chapters…then I'm done. It IS a short story, after all.

Reviews are love.


	4. Even

Tsunade lowered the mission report that Sakura had handed her and cast her golden gaze upon her disheveled apprentice.

"Haruno Sakura," Tsunade said slowly. "What the hell happened to you?"

"I swear I can explain," Sakura replied, running a hand through her tousled hair.

Tsunade eyed her pink-haired disciple. "Explain, then."

**What do we say, now? That we found Itachi and he fucked us silly, or that -**

_Oh, Kami! He didn't…we just…he just…ah!_

Sakura, to say the least, looked like she had walked out of a horror movie that involved gore, and too much sex. There was that wide-eyed, awe-struck look, the bruised, swollen lips and the clothes that were in disarray.

"Is that," Tsunade began slowly, "a hickey?" The Fifth Hokage eyed Sakura's neck with keen interest.

"No! No! I-it's just…uhm… Aha! E-erm, you see…" Sakura said intelligently, her palms sweating nervously. "Haha! If you're thinking that I ran into an Akatsuki and that he made me BATHE him and that afterward he screwed me until I couldn't see straight, you've obviously got it wrong! Ahaha! There's no WAY that could happen! Ha!" Sakura rambled on. "No way! That's utterly impossible - " She cut short. "Oh…oh shit."

"Haruno Sakura," Tsunade whispered in a deadly voice. "You will sit your ass down and tell me what the hell happened out there. _Right now."_

Sakura gulped. "Uh… O-oh! I think I hear Kakashi-sensei calling me for training! Coming, Kakashi!" Without another word Sakura rushed out of the room, throwing the door off its hinges in her rush. Shizune walked into the nonexistent door, blinking her eyes at the sight of the quite flustered Hokage, who quickly picked up a sake cup and downed its contents.

"Tsunade-sama! This is no time to be getting drunk," Shizune said. "By the way, was that Sakura I saw running down the hall? She looks like she was robbed."

"Or worse," the blonde muttered. "She said something about an Akatsuki 'screwing her until she couldn't see straight'."

"WHAT?!" Shizune shrieked, and Tonton squealed in displeasure. "THAT'S EVEN WORSE THAN GETTING ROBBED!! OH, KAMI! WHAT IF SHE WAS RAPED?!"

"I highly doubt a rapist would leave several hickeys on his victims neck," Tsunade pointed out, downing another cup of sake. "There wasn't just one…oh, no. There were dozens. All over her throat. And not even on her throat, either. All over her _body_. She had bruises on her upper arms, for Kami's sake. Something happened out there, and I'm going to find out." After that proclamation, the busty Hokage lifted her cup of sake to Shizune and sealed that promise.

* * *

_I'm dead. I am so dead… I told her! I told Lady Tsunade!_

**We are such a dumbass, you know. It could have easily been kept a secret!**

_I didn't realize I had hickeys! God! Doesn't Itachi have class?! It was hardly gentle._

**But ya gotta admit…it was fucking amazing.**

_Nice choice of words…_

Sakura shook her head, partly because she wanted her pink hair - however short it was - to cover up at least a small portion of her hickeyed flesh. She felt like a hyperactive blonde ninja was going to pounce her in about 2.3 seconds.

She was right.

"SAKURA-CHAN!"

In a blur of orange and yellow, Naruto tackled his pretty friend in an act of exaggerated joy. Sakura grunted, but took the blow, slightly happy to see her bitch - er…friend.

"Sakura-chan! I'm sooo happy to see you!" Naruto wailed, clutching onto her waist, tears of happiness trailing down his face. "It was awful while you were gone! Sai kept making fun of my penis and Ino almost forced me into a dress and Tenten stabbed me with a kunai and Kakashi-sensei forced me to watch porn with him and Neji wanted to spar but ended up falling unconscious of an extensive nosebleed because I said something about Tenten at the hot springs and - "

"Naruto, calm down!" Sakura cut in, exasperated. "You'll burst a blood vessel at this rate."

Naruto blinked. "Oh…right." The blonde nin inhaled deeply, and then - ignoring his beloved pink-haired teammate - asking in a loud voice, "Sakura-chan, will you come eat ramen with me?! PLEASE?! I have enough money to pay for the both of us this time!"

"Oh…oh, all right," Sakura sighed.

"Yay!"

* * *

"So…what's going on, un?"

Deidara directed his blue eyes towards the prodigy Uchiha, who was examining his perfect fingernails nonchalantly. It seemed for a moment as though Itachi would ignore the younger male, but a minute later he opened his mouth to offer a quiet, "Her." Deidara blinked, a bit perplexed, and glanced down at the bustling streets of Konoha.

"There's a lot of 'hers', un," Deidara pointed out, sorting through the females like porn magazines at a gas station. "Mind being more specific?"

"Pink," Itachi replied, and Deidara snapped his head towards his partner (for now, at least) with a confused look.

"Pink…? You like pink? That's…tacky," Deidara said wrinkling his nose.

Itachi shook his head. "No. I despise pink. However…" Itachi glanced down at the streets, a petite medic-nin automatically catching his eye.

"Ooooh," Deidara realized, noticing the small pink-haired girl. "Ooh. Her? She's the one you banged, un?"

Itachi glanced at Deidara, Sharingan whirling warningly.

"Hey, just saying, un," Deidara mumbled. "So, what? We're gonna kidnap her?"

"No," Itachi replied. "I merely have to return a favor."

* * *

_Finally…home,_ Sakura thought in relief, fishing the keys out of her shorts and unlocking her apartment door. She went in, dropping her keys on the counter, and stretched. Her bones cracked pleasantly, and she sighed, content. _Home freaking sweet home…_

She grimaced as her hair caught in her mouth and she tasted it the dirt that had collected on the fine watermelon tress. It called for water…soap…_conditioner._ So Sakura shrugged her tiny shoulders, moving towards her bathroom. Once inside, she turned the hot water on, throwing in some Mr. Bubble so it would smell nice, and began tugging off her clothes. Sakura turned off the water, and sank deep into the steaming liquid, sighing in perfect harmony.

"It seems as though…"

That wasn't her voice.

She jumped up, knocking her head on the faucet in the process, and she hissed, clutching her pink head as it throbbed. Emerald eyes jumped to where a very tall, very dark, very handsome Uchiha was sitting on her sink, legs crossed and arms resting on his knees. "Shit," she croaked.

"It seems as though," he continued, "we are even now, hm?"

-

:D?


	5. And the Rest is History

Sakura briefly wondered why this was all so unfair. First, she was exhausted beyond belief, stumbled upon her past love's insane brother, and was chased half across the forest by said insane brother in only a towel. Then she was forced to chase _him_ back across the half of the forest she had just been chased through, and by the time she got there she was about to collapse. Then he informed her to bathe in in the fucking _river _while he was _naked. _Then he grabbed her and kissed her until she saw stars, and the rest was history.

Sakura's first reaction was the scream. Her second reaction was to grab anything in arms length and chuck it at the Uchiha.

Itachi's first reaction was to blink his Sharingan eyes in response to her shriek. His second response is to be hit in the face with a pink rubber duck.

It fell to the floor with a squeak, and it was the only sound in Sakura's white and green bathroom. For a while, neither of them spoke. Itachi was too busy glaring at the pink ducky for trying to mare his beautiful face, while Sakura was ushering all the bubbles in the bath to conveniently cover her goodies - North and South - like she saw in all those chick flicks where the guy accidentally stumbles in on his girlfriend and the intense make-out-in-the-shower scene begins.

Once all the bubbles were protecting her special areas, and Itachi was done glaring holes into the disgustingly pink duck, both lovers (if you could classify them as such) looked up at each other. Sakura's eyes were very tired, bags formulating under her intense green eyes, and Itachi wondered briefly how much sleep she had gotten in the past few days. His affections didn't really help her situation, he supposed. She was probably ready to faint by the time she returned to her little Leaf village.

He frowned at her, and she scowled.

"Did you follow me home?" she asked sullenly.

"I didn't need to follow you to know where to go," he replied haughtily.

She rolled her eyes at his smugness. "Yeah, and you didn't need to touch me after you _promised _you wouldn't. But then again, you're a crazy bastard who murdered Sasuke-kun's entire family in one night, so why would you make any promises to me?" Sakura was tempted to throw her arms up in the air in a show of anger, but knowing that would destroy her hard work herding the bubbles in exactly the right place. Yes, she was OCD like that.

"You let me," he pointed out, looking her in the eye. "It would have been very easy to resist, you know."

"For you," she replied bitterly. "Look. Why don't we just go with my suggestion and just…forget about this, okay? I am _seriously _not in the mood to talk to you, and try to work this whole thing out without losing a limb or something like that. I am tired, and sleepy, and hungry, and I just want to crawl into bed and get a hangover tomorrow night. Is that so hard to understand?"

Itachi shrugged carelessly. "It is not of my concern."

"Are you going to kidnap me like in those horrible romance novels that Ino makes me read all the time? Where the guy is totally in lust for this girl and he kidnaps her so she can be his personal sex-slave and then her real lover comes to rescue them and there's this big sword fight while I just swoon in the background? 'Cause I can assure you, that is _not _happening."

He stared at her. "You talk too much," he pointed out.

"What, are you going to point out that this is also bad manners? Oh! Or should _I _be the one who says you have horrible manners then cope a feel on you while you're desperately trying not to feel any hormones while washing a very attractive person!"

**You realize you just called him attractive indirectly, **Inner Sakura pointed out.

_I don't really care right now, actually._

"You do have awful manners," Itachi pointed out, nonchalant at her rant.

"Ah! You are _unbelievable! _And not even in the good way," she huffed. "Now, get the _hell _out of my bathroom, Uchiha Itachi, before I punch the _shit _out of you."

"No," he retorted.

"NO?"

"No."

"Why _not_?" she demanded.

"Because, for three reasons," he answered. "One being you are beautiful," he continued, his voice frank, and Sakura was not ignorant enough to keep a blush from coming to her face. "Two, you're a fascinating kunoichi that does not correspond to her appearance. Lastly, you are utterly naïve and it attracts my attentions."

Sakura blinked. "_Wow._ Did you, like, rehearse that?"

Itachi glared silently at her.

"Sorry, sorry. It's just hard to take you seriously with your monotone voice," Sakura admitted, sighing. "Okay, seriously. Why are you here?"

"For the reasons stated above."

Sakura blinked again.

"Really?"

Itachi had the sudden want to roll his eyes, which he hadn't done in a while. "_Yes,_" he replied.

"Uhm…" Sakura mumbled. "Mind turning around so I can, y'know, preserve my dignity? After all, if I'm gonna kick you out, I gotta do it with something on besides a towel."

Itachi rose an eyebrow at that. "It does not make a difference… After all…I've seen you naked before."

Sakura scowled through her blush. "The water was murky!" she protested. "It…it didn't matter then, okay?! Just turn around! Don't make me throw the _purple _ducky at you!"

Itachi shuddered inwardly. "As you wish," he said formally, closing his eyes and snapping his gorgeous, pretty, awesome, sexilicious face to the side so that Sakura could hold on to her last strand of pride and modesty. She quickly made her way out of the tub, and she was disgruntled to realize that she hadn't even gotten to _start _on her bath, because he had interrupted her.

**He was right when he said we're even! **Inner Sakura pointed out. **Though, it's not exactly fair. You should get him to bathe **_**you **_**for his awful manners and then you should grab him up and fuck him hard - **

_Eh, no thanks, _Outer Sakura cut in, blushing at her own thoughts and the carnal images her inner self provided her with.

**Bet he thinks you're quite the dominatrix!**Inner Sakura cooed.

_BE SILENT! _

She grabbed her towel hanging from the rack and wrapped it around her petite body quickly, not putting it against the Uchiha to try and sneak a peek. After all, _he _was the one who couldn't control his stupid hormones and just keep his promise not to touch her at all! In any way! Sexual or not! Sakura wanted to throw her hands up in the air in her exasperation, but since Itachi was inches away and she would definitely smack him in the face if she did such a thing, she decided very smartly not to.

"Okay, umm…" Sakura started, but when she opened her eyes she was startled by the Akatsuki's close proximity. "U-Uchiha, you'd better back off!"

"Or…what?" he asked of her, eyeing her reddened flesh that was marked by him.

"Or I'll _kick the living shit out of you!_" she exclaimed, readying the chakra in her fists, but Itachi acted quickly and grabbed both of her wrists in a long-fingered grip, and roughly shoved her against the wall near the sink. Almost _smiling _to himself (Sakura promptly forgot herself and gaped) he touched her chin with a soft fingertip. "Let…" she began to struggle, "…go of me!"

"Why?" he asked, looking totally dispassionate about the fact that a nineteen-year-old pink-haired medic was trying very desperately to knee him in the crotch.

"Because I said so! For Kami's sake, you're Sasuke-kun's brother, you're insane, you're sexually deprived, you're _insane_, you killed your entire clan within a single night - and your best friend, too! - and now you think just because I was utterly exhausted and unable to resist you, you think I can just be your little fuck buddy now?! Well, let me tell you this! I'd never have sex with you again even if you were the last man on _Earth!_" she yelled, getting extremely angry.

Itachi barely flinched.

"I beg to differ," was all he said.

Sakura stayed silent for about three seconds, then she began to struggle again.

"Let go, let go, let go!"

"Not happening," he replied.

He pressed himself into her body fully, and she fit against him very nicely, he thought. Despite her petite appearance (not to mention her outrageous hair) she possessed such feminine contours. She squeaked in protest, but her struggled died down minutely, distracted by his warmth. Slowly he leaned down until his face was level with hers, and his Sharingan eyes stared into her emerald ones almost casually, as if to suggest they were not in this position. She flushed after a minute or two of his intense scrutiny, the red on her cheeks clashing horribly with her cherry-blossom hair. He waited a minute to calm his raging blood, then began to speak again.

"I will not kidnap you," he said, voice quiet and cultured. "I will not rape you, or threaten you. I would very much like to carry out the former - Deidara-san has been very…eager to make your acquaintance. But you have a life here, and I am not part of it."

She wrinkled her nose at him. "Romantic, Uchiha."

He ignored her. "However, you still continue to fascinate me, despite my lusts being satisfied." Sakura turned ten shades of red when he said "lust".

"R-really, now," she stuttered. "Why don't you just write a freaking book about me, then? What - did you come here so you can "satisfy your lusts" and then be done with me?"

He shook his head.

Then swooped down and hungrily claimed her lips as his.

She whimpered against his mouth, his delicious smell of the forest surrounding her and leaving a very nice taste in her mouth. Briefly, his tongue swept across her teeth, startling her, and she almost bite down on the foreign thing that was currently making little circles on the roof of her mouth. Her green eyes fluttered shut in response to his warmth, and she relaxed against her own will. Itachi's hand slid from her wrists to her waist, where they began to attentively slid under the towel.

And the rest is history.

--

Eh…not quite sure how I feel about this chapter. Itachi felt OOC to me. Oh, well. There's always next chapter.

That's right! This will be longer than five chapters! I've got some more stuff I wanna put in here…hehee. You can cheer now, loves. Btw, I love you all for reviewing so much. I am beside myself with joy.

And no. No lemon. Bad dog. Sit, boy.

And this came FAST. I was so excited to be writing this it kinda...exploded. Lol, un. ;


	6. The Birds and the Bees

_a/n: Dear God. There are so many references to sex in this chapter it's not even funny. Well, I guess it is. I mean, I was giggling while I wrote this… :D Big thank you to all of you guys who reviewed. I love you all. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and if I did, bad things would happen to Sasuke. _

* * *

It was one thing, Tsunade decided, to have a boyfriend when one is supposed to be paying full attention to their work. It is another to go around sleeping with an Akatsuki when there was work to be done.

"Shizune!" Tsunade shouted, slamming her sake cup down on her desk. "More sake!"

"Don't get drunk now, Tsuande-sama!" Shizune protested as she set down the sake bottle, which Tsunade picked up and downed quickly. "You have a meeting soon! The elders won't appreciate you being intoxicated at a very important gathering!"

"Aww, they won't give a damn," she hiccuped, whipping the alcohal from her lips. "Besides, they need a little excitement in their lives. Old coots don't know how to have fun."

Shizune sighed. "You'll be the death of us all, Tsunade-sama."

Tsunade smartly replied by falling off her chair and giggling.

* * *

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto whined, jumping up and down with anticipation. "When is Sakura-chan gonna get here? Huh? Huh?"

"Like he knows, dick-less," Sai replied casually, leaning against the railing of the bridge. Naruto's face promptly went red from utter rage and he opened his mouth to retort with something about _Sai's _penis, but Kakashi waved his hands, irritated that the two boys had distracted him from his porn.

"Calm down, calm down," Kakashi sighed, flipping a page and was immediately absorbed as the _real _smut started. The kind that made bosoms heave and pants rise, like no matter what happens to the other character -- like he asks her to spit in his mouth or something gross like that -- you are turned on. There is no choice. It just happens.

"Well, don't you guys think it's weird? I mean, you're the one that's always late, Kakashi-sensei! Sakura-chan's always the first one that's here! Then Sai, then me, then you!" said Naruto, throwing his arms up in the air in his exasperation. Kakashi, who was too involved in imagining what really _would _happen if you did spit in someone's mouth, did not acknowledge Naruto's despair, whilst Sai was busy examining the way Kakashi had a dazed look on his masked face, which didn't really make sense, since more than half his face was covered anyway. Sai wondered in his mind how a book could make the older man have an erection -- which he wasn't even fully aware of, either. Dear God!

"Sorry I'm late, guys!" came the voice of their cherry blossom, who was sprinting at full speed towards the three men. "I got called to the hospital -- something happened on some mission and some guy got a shuriken lodged in his ass. But it's all okay, now! It took a while, you know -- it was pretty deep in, and the guy was making totally rude comments about how I was feeling him up when all I was really doing was bandaging his ass because really, it was bleeding a lot and if I hadn't gotten there he would have died of blood loss. From his ass. Do you know how embarassing that would have been? Ha!"

Sai blinked, smiling his fake smile. "Wow, Ugly. I didn't know you molested your patients."

"Didn't you just listen to me ramble!"

"I blanked out."

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto cried, tears coming to his blue eyes. "Sai made fun of my penis again!"

Sakura sighed, patting Naruto consoningly on the head. He sniffed. "It's okay, Naruto. Even though he's probably telling the truth."

"Oh," Kakashi blinked, realizing that his pink-haired ex-student had arrived. "You're here, Sakura. Well, I guess we can get started --"

Kakashi's eyes lowered themselves to her neck, where something very interesting caught his trained eye.

"…is that a hickey?" asked Kakashi, raising a silver eyebrow. Sakura promptly flushed pink.

"Uhm, no!" 

"What's a hickey?" Naruto asked, his voice panicked. "Is Sakura hurt? Lemme see, Sakura-chan!"

"Agh, Naruto! I'm fine -- stop crying and get off my leg!"

"Sakura…do I have to give you the 'talk'?"

Sakura froze, distracted from shaking Naruto off her leg. Sai looked up with interest, having no clue what the 'talk' could mean, but the way Kakashi said it with utter mirth piqued his curiosity. "No," Sakura croaked. "No, Kakashi-sensei! Please! I already know all about sex, and I told you it's not a hickey, so you don't have to worry!"

Kakashi clucked his tongue, waving his finger back in forth in almost a scolding manner. "We don't want you getting pregnant, Sakura. Why else would you have a hickey on your neck?"

"…my cat?"

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto cried. "You don't even own a cat! Could someone please tell me what a hickey is, now?"

"It's when someone sucks on your neck and it leaves a mark, pencil-dick," Sai told him. "Even I know that."

"SAKURA-CHAN! SOMEONE LICKED YOUR NECK!"

Sakura's left eye twitched. "No, Naruto! Calm down."

"All right. Today's mission will be to educate our dear Sakura-chan on the ways of sex. Since Sai obviously knows more about sex than Naruto does, he will be the leader of this mission." Kakashi rubbed the back of his head, his one eye crinkling as he smiled. "Now, I have to go give an old man a blowjob in the marketplace! Ja ne!"

"Nooo, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto yelled, stomping his feet. "What's sex? I have to know! Sai! Tell me!"

"What's the point in telling _you_?" Sai said nonchalantly. "You don't have a penis, so you don't have to worry about it."

"Sai-san, leave Naruto's genitals alone," Sakura sighed, putting a hand on her large brow in despair. _Oh, Kami… Now I'm going to get the talk from Sai-san, while it's Naruto who needs to know this. Hell, he's been with Hinata-chan for two years and they still haven't even been in each other's bedroom, let alone even made out. _

**It's hard to believe that we're getting more action than Naruto, eh? **Inner Sakura smirked. **I mean, he is a guy after all, and you think he'd be curious of Hinata's body, you know, since the only girl he's ever been attracted to before was you. **

_Don't remind me, _Sakura thought sullenly. 

"All right, Ugly," Sai sighed. "It's a bother, but it's a mission." With the slightest tensing of the muscles, Sai pushed himself from his leaning position on the bridge. "I guess we'll start at the very beginning, then…"

"Naruto needs this, NOT me," Sakura hissed, glaring at her teammate. 

"So? Kakashi told us to teach you sex, so we will," Sai replied blandly, shrugging his shoulders. "After all, once you grow a rack, Ugly, I'm sure you'll get some more than just a feeble hickey."

Sakura flushed. "You --"

"WHAT'S SEX!" Naruto yelled, jumping up and down in a show of immaturity. "WHAT'S SEX? WHY DO I NEED A PENIS FOR IT! HOW DOES A HICKEY GET INVOLVED IN ALL THAT!"

Sai sighed, tilting his head towards the sky as if to say: _why the fuck did I get stuck with this brainless dope, who knows nothing of the arts of sex and therefore will never reproduce and his penis will shrivel into nonexistence? _"Sex is when a man and a woman explore each other's bodies," Sai began. 

Naruto tilted his head to the side, calming down considerably now that someone was paying attention to him. "What'dya mean…explore?"

"Meaning…they touch each other…and stuff," Sakura cut in helpfully, suddenly remembering Itachi's hands under her towel and how _that _had felt.

"Touch where!"

"…everywhere."

"You mean…even…"

"Yes, dickhead. Even your nonexistent penis."

"And her…"

"And her vagina."

"And…"

"…?"

"Her toe?"

Sai paused. "You could suck them, I guess," 

Sakura wrinkled her nose. "Gross."

"So, so!" Naruto said, jumping up and down excitedly. "So when I touch Hinata's 'special place', will she get pregnant?"

"…no," Sai groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead. "Look…"

"Ahhh!" Sakura screamed, covering her ears with her hands, shaking her pink head back and forth. "I don't need to hear this! La, la, la, la! INNOCENT THOUGHTS!"

Sai stared. "Ugly, calm down. I thought you knew this stuff."

Sakura narrowed her eyes at the gorgeous boy with the delicious hair. "Yeah, but coming from your mouth, it's like a curse issued forth on the world. Like…like the plague or something. Everyone's gonna die because you speak of sex."

"Well, you put your penis into her 'special place'," Sai continued, ignoring Sakura's shrieks of utter pain. "And your…seeds…come out and they go into her…and the egg is fertilized by these seeds."

"OH, GOD! THE PLAGUE! THE PLAGUE!"

Naruto blinked. "Wait, I don't get it…"

Sai groaned. "Just go get some Icha Icha Paradise from Kakashi if you don't understand. That will explain everything, believe me."

Sakura peeked at the two males hesitantly. "Is the plague over…?"

"Yes, Ugly. The plague has passed. But I must say it's scarred your face even more."

Sakura's response was a punch to his face.

* * *

"Wow…un. I must say…your girl really likes to punch pretty boys," Deidara chuckled. "So, when do we get to meet her, un? Aren't you gonna bring her back to the organization? Leader-sama --"

"-- has no part in my personal affairs," Itachi cut in, casually biting a nail. It wasn't something he did, usually, but he was bored, since his pet was busy playing around with her teammates. 

Deidara wrinkled his nose. "Dude, that's gross, un. You know, I heard this story where a guy chewed his nails so much he had to go to the ER. And you know what they found in his stomach? A gigantic ball of chewed up nails, un. Fucking disgusting…"

Itachi examined the slightly marred perfection of his nail. Hmm, not good. His godliness has been dented. He didn't deign the blonde with a reply, just continued to pick at his nails until they were back into perfect symmetry. 

There was a bit of awkward silence before Deidara spoke again.

"…you know, I always thought you were gay."

Itachi turned his Sharingan into Deidara harshly, the tamoe swirling angrily.

Deidara blinked. "Sorry, un. Just throwing that out there."

* * *

_Can you say 'filler', children? Oh, well. I liked writing this chapter. :DD Review, and much love you will be rewarded with. I'm thinking I need to change the rating to M, with all the reference and language… XD_


	7. Germans?

_a/n: Dear God! 24 reviews? I love you guys—seriously. -showers you all with love and Across the Universe-_

* * *

"You know, as thrilling as you company may be, Itachi-san…maybe you should go down there and ask the girl if she would want to leave with us? After all, Pein-sama has wanted a medic for the Akatsuki, and she'd make a fine member…un."

Deidara waited for a response that he knew probably wouldn't come, for his partner in crime was busy staring at said medic, who was busy punching the hell out of the blonde Kyuubi host. Deidara averted his eyes from the Sharingan user to look down upon the pink-haired kunoichi as well—the Jinchuriki—who was yelping and screaming in response to the fiery, pretty girl who was still punching him insanely—was helpless against the throng of chakra-induced fists that the girl threw upon him. So, apparently, Itachi likes his women feisty. Which was pretty strange to think about, since the Uchiha was about as sexually active as an eighty year old man. Not to mention he moved like everything would break his bones if he even touched it, female body parts included.

Deidara rolled his one blue eye, thankful that his companion had not seen his act of annoyance. Though, it was likely that he had, but didn't care. Damn freaky Sharingan.

"…well, un?" Deidara said after about a five minute pause.

"She will have no part in Akatsuki affairs," Itachi replied firmly, not even respected the blonde ex-Stone nin with a glance.

Deidara groaned. "But it's been at least a month, un. I'm bored and I'm horny and I'm tired of you going out to screw this girl crazy while I sit here with nothing to do. I haven't gotten laid in months, un! I'm getting the Itch!"

"You will not touch her."

"I wasn't implying that I wanted to, un! She's too skinny for my tastes anyway. Can't I at least go around the village and flirt with a couple of girls, un? Sasori-danna didn't let me and—"

"It does not matter to me," Itachi replied, annoyed at Deidara's whining.

Deidara grinned and said, "Excellent, un!" and whipped off his cloak dramatically, and instantly he was garbed in a pair of worn, but comfortable-looking blue jeans with his sandals still on his feet, and across his chest was a tight, black t-shirt that showed off his sleek pectorals and board shoulders. No doubt the ladies would be swooning over him tonight. You love machine. You lady killer, you silly Deidara.

Itachi merely blinked. "I'm not going to ask how you did that."

Deidara grinned again, taking off his scope and pocketing it. "You probably don't want to know, un."

"They will recognize you."

"No, they won't," Deidara replied confidently, fixing his hair and tousling it a bit before he headed down. "I haven't made an impression in Konoha to be in their Bingo Books yet, un." Deidara waggled his fingers mockingly towards Itachi before he descended into the bustling streets of the Konoha marketplace, and was immediately he was flagged by about ten girls who had fathered around the bars nearby in search of potential victims—er, I mean, lovers.

Itachi shook his head at Deidara's perpetual ignorance, and continued to gaze down with a look of intent concentration on his beautiful face upon his pink-haired lover, who had just been called for an important meeting with her Hokage. Hmm…

* * *

"—and you come into my office with love bites and wrinkled clothes and you smell like man sweat and you have been distracted from your work, Sakura. Now, tell me truthfully—_do you have a boyfriend?!_"

The cherry blossom flinched at her sensei's harsh tone of voice. She wasn't sure if you could call Itachi a 'boyfriend'—more like, occasional fuck buddy. But even that was pushing it. Sure, she liked to make love to him, and sure, he _was _sort of like an annoying boyfriend when it came to sex and being out too late with her friends and pushing her too hard during training and shit like that, but calling him her 'boyfriend'? That was too much of a commitment. He was already trying her patience by eating all of her sweets and falling asleep in her bed after the deed was done. If he had been any other man, she would have kicked him out of the room and told him to get his own food. But, of course, being that this was Uchiha Itachi, and you don't mess with Uchiha Itachi unless you have a very desperate wish for a horrible death, she opted instead to keep her mouth shut, instead having Inner Sakura rage violently.

**This is **_**our **_**truffle he just ate! Who does he think he is, anyway?! Just because he fucks like an animal and he is a sex god and he is related to Sasuke-kun does not mean that he can eat our truffles! And—wait, is that our **_**miso soup **_**he's slurping down? Oh, **_**hell no! **_**We were looking forward to that! God dammit, we were waiting all day just to fall into the couch and watch **_**Made in Manhattan **_**and have that miso soup that Shizune gave to us for doing such a good job!**

It went something along those lines.

"Uhh…" Sakura nervously bit her bottom lip, giving herself away while she was it. It was already obvious to Tsunade that Sakura was seeing someone and that she had become sexually active since she had returned from that mission to the Land of Waves. But she was just sadistic like that, because she wanted to hear it from Sakura's own pink, luscious lips.

"Well?" Tsunade prompted, tapping her long fingernails against her desk gravely.

"Well…boyfriend is kind of pushing it…"

"But you are seeing a man, correct?"

Sakura shifted on her feet. "Yes."

"Is he an Akatsuki?"

Sakura nearly stumbled on her own feet in her shock. "N-no!" she answered quickly. "What could ever make you think that?"

Tsunade stared at Sakura, making the pink-haired woman fidget uncomfortably. "You came back from your mission looking like you had stepped out of a whore house, Sakura. And you mentioned it in her panicked ramble."

"I…uh…" Sakura thought quickly. "It was April Fools day!"

Tsunade blinked. "No, it was not."

"Yes, it was!" Sakura laughed anxiously, clapping her hands together. "It was a joke! Ahahaha! April Fools, Tsunade-shishou!

"Then tell me about this man," Tsunade demanded, leaning back in her chair, trying not to fall over from the weight her generous bosom added to the package.

"Uhh…he's ANBU!" Sakura said. "And…he's…about six feet tall… He has brown hair that curls a bit at the end…and he's a monster in bed… And, uh…he's addicted to my truffles."

Inner Sakura cackled at the obvious _wrong _in that statement, but Sakura ignored her and continued to describe Itachi. Her Itachi that was born into a different world filled with candy and happy thoughts, perhaps.

"Anything else?"

"He likes the movie _Romancing the Stone._"

"Your man sounds like a pansy."

* * *

Sakura stepped out of the Hokage's tower, exhausted mentally from the Gondaime's interrogation about her boyfriend. What she needed right now was to go home and take a long, hot shower (without _any _interruptions), raid the pantry and devour anything that looked edible, then collapse into bed and fall asleep, not worrying about her early shift at the hospital tomorrow or the missions that needed to be completed…

Sakura sighed, knowing that Itachi would no doubt be waiting for her when she arrived. He wouldn't allow her to sleep or even to sit down until he had his way with her. Or until she watched _Romancing the Stone _with him again.

There was a bunch of giggling from up ahead of her, and blankly she wondered if Itachi was wandering the streets or something, because no doubt females would be crawling at his feet, drooling. For some reason this made her stomach burn with heat, which she told herself was indigestion. But, sadly, it was the ugly, ugly thing we call jealousy, my friends. Her emerald eyes glanced up tiredly to see a blonde man dressed very casually but she could easily tell he was a ninja from his slim build. A shock of recognition washed over her, but she couldn't place his name. Started with a D. Drew? Drake? Darlene? No, that wasn't right…

She neared the group and the man laughed and said something, and his voice was silky and tenor, which sent another shock of recognition through her. Damn, those were really starting to hurt.

When she finally got a look at his face, she had to admit he was very handsome, but that wasn't the point.

"Do I know you?"

* * *

Deidara stopped talking and immediately turned to look at her.

_Oh, shit, un. Time for Plan A._

"Uh, no. Are you drunk?"

No accent in sight. Deidara grinned inwardly. She'd never be able to remember him—

"But I swear I've seen you before. Your name started with a D."

"No, no. My name is Hans."

"Germans? Here?"

"Umm…we're on vacation…?"

* * *

_I have to stop it there. I can't write anymore because I'm grounded and I'm risking it as it is… Sorry, guys. And I know Deidara is probably in Konoha's Bingo Books. But for the sake of this story, he will not be. :D Thanks for reading. Review, please. And most likely I'll be adding on this chapter little by little. So watch out for it. :3_


	8. Johnny Depp

_a/n: Yet again, thanks for all of the reviews, guys. I'm so flattered you all like this story x. And if it's not any trouble, could I get a volunteer to beta the next chapters for me? I have this habit of not even looking at the thing after I'm done with it (I sound like an abusive mother). If you do, I will send you internet luff. I am so so sorry you all had to wait this long for a stupid chapter like this but I love you! And you love me, right? ...right?_

_

* * *

_Sakura stared at the handsome, taller male before her with suspicious green eyes, and Deidara almost started to sweat. Damn, Itachi's woman could be pretty scary when she wanted to be.

"Are you lying to me?" she asked him indignantly. "I don't think Germans even exist in this world. And you look Japanese."

"My mother was from Mist!" he inserted, laughing cheerfully though in truth he was about to piss his pants. Sakura must have gotten stare-down lessons from the Uchiha heir. "My dad was an ex-Nazi, so you know…met her after the war, got her knocked up, married her so there wouldn't be a scandal, then pop! I came out into the world screaming and crying and shitting. My mom raised me and gave me the talk and made me comb my hair everyday so…"

She eyed him. "Right…Hans…why don't you walk back with me to my apartment?"

He grinned, and despite himself and Itachi's death threats he blurted out, "Oh, you want me all to yourself? You want a piece of hot German ass?"

She frowned. "Not in the slightest."

The girls surrounding the German and the pink-haired woman almost wilted in their relief. Ever since Sasuke left there had not been anyone more attractive than him, so the fangirls were left to mope and groan about 'lost love' and shit like that. Then this man came, and oh! how their hearts were lifted! There was someone to swoon and fight over, someone to have wet dreams about at night and someone to practice making kissy faces at the mirror for. Oh, happy happy joy joy.

Deidara brushed his bangs aside for a brief moment, so both sparkling blue eyes were revealed. The girls around him (excluding Sakura, of course) sighed and melted in response to such sexiness. The medic merely frowned at him and turned around, continuing to walk in the direction she had previously been traveling. Deidara pushed past the throngs of horny woman that gathered around him and blocked his view, and rushed on long, lean legs to catch up to the kunoichi. "That's not very nice," he breathed. "You could have at least waited. It is the polite thing to do."

"It's not polite to lie about your heritage."

"But…I'm not!"

She rolled her eyes at his retort, finding it utterly…retarded. Like his face. Yeah.

"So, what's your name?" 'Hans' asked slyly, keeping up with her very much shorter strides with ease. Sakura envied his long, muscular legs—oh, to be tall! To tower above your friends and enemies and reach for the last damn piece of pie on the top of the fridge, to hit your head on lamps and fall unconscious and wake up with one hell of a goose-egg on your forehead! Actually, it's not that big of a deal. Don't fall for the trap, Sakura. Resist it!

"Are you asking my chest or me?" she replied dryly, noting the way his blue eyes never left her not-even-big chest. Maybe the lack thereof was sexy. Sakura decided she would never understand the male's mind. Go figure.

"Well, if I was, I would be saying: "What are your names?" But I didn't. I was asking you."

"Sakura," she said in a clipped voice, nearing her apartment. "All right, Hans. Why don't you come inside for some tea—"

"What? No beer? I'm used to drinking beer for every meal. Don't you have respect for my culture?" Deidara demanded, placing his hands on his hips in a very un-manly-like gesture. "These Japanese ninjas are all the same, thinking everyone likes the same thing. How rude!"

Of course, Hans was a Japanese ninja too, but Sakura didn't know that.

"Tea," she decided, getting her keys from her pocket and slipping them into the lock. She jangled it around for a bit, then finally took it out. She wasn't looking forward to find Itachi waiting for her (no doubt eating some of her food again), standing up immediately as she entered to push her down on the couch and have his horrible, nasty way with her. She was sure he wouldn't try such an endeavor, since she seemed to have a German (who wasn't really a German but a pyromaniac S-class criminal who had an annoying habit of blowing up anything with a pulse) at her side, bouncing up and down and demanding to have beer.

Of course Sakura didn't have any beer. It was sake (only in moderation) and tea, and tap water. Wonderful, wonderful tap water. She was not eager to get this Hans character drunk, at all. She'd seen drunken men before. They scared her!

"Shut up! I don't have any beer! All I have is year-old tea and some crusty rice balls!" she exclaimed to her guest, pushing her way into her humble abode. He followed her. "If that's what you like, then that's great. If not, well, then you are screwed, aren't you?"

"How nice of you to say so," he said in reply, ignoring her tone like a mother would with an irate daughter. "No sausage? No pastries? No blonde girls with cleavage and pig tails? This is unfair. This is unjust! I remember the good ol' days in Deutschland. Drunk girls with enormous boobs, creepy old men wearing lederhosen, beer that always tasted good… Japan sucks. All I get here are horny, skinny girls with eyes that are too big with oddly colored hair."

Sakura was about to kick this German out of her house when she spotted Itachi lounging casually on her couch, sipping some of her year-old tea (without permission!!) and watching _Finding Neverland_ with widescreen and subtitles. He didn't even turn to look at her and her guest as they entered the living room, but he paused the movie and continued to drink the nasty tea that Sakura should have thrown out.

"This tea is horrible," Itachi said monotonously. "You should have thrown it out."

Sakura replied with a muffled groan as she slapped her face with her hand. Ow, that stings.

"Hello, Deidara," Itachi said, finally turning to look at the two nincompoops standing in a very stick-like manner a few feet away from the couch. "I thought you said you were going to 'find some girls to screw then come back insanely drunk'."

Deidara coughed. "Yeah, well, your girlfriend interrupted my pheromone party, so I couldn't get any girl to rent a cheap hotel room so we could bang until something broke, un."

Un? Deidara? Deidara, un?

"I _knew_ it! I _knew_ you were lying about your heritage!" Sakura exclaimed, pointing an accusatory finger at the blonde nin. "There's no such thing as Germany here, or lederhosen! The whole world consists of Japanese ninja!"

Deidara was just happy to have his accent back. Yeah, baby, yeah.

"You were the blonde faggot who threw clay dolls around like they were Barbies! And I killed your partner who looked oddly like a prepubescent boy!"

"Don't talk like that about Sasori-danna, un," Deidara sniffed. "Just because he looked like a twelve-year-old boy doesn't mean anything, yeah. He had the heart and mind of an old hag."

Itachi stared at the two before finally opening his sensuous mouth to cut in. "I apologize for interrupting, but Sakura and I have some…catching up to do." Sakura flushed at this. "I can only watch so many Johnny Depp movies before I start to compare myself to him."

Deidara rolled his eyes, since he could roll both now since his scope was in his pocket. "We're more perfect than Johnny Depp, un. We're animated pretty boys, so we're allowed."

"This is true."

"Stop talking about Johnny Depp!" Sakura said, reaching past Itachi to turn the TV off. Itachi grabbed her and pulled her down onto his lap, and she squeaked her protest, squirming around for a bit before finally settling down, because squirming in a man's lap isn't the best thing to do, especially when said man is 'raring to go'.

"Oh, God," Deidara moaned, his voice high to mimic Sakura's. "Don't stop, Itachi. Touch me right there. Oh, God, oh, yes. Don't stop, don't stop!"

"WILL YOU BE QUIET?!"

* * *

Tsunade tapped her pink nails against her desk and bit her bottom lip in thought. It was a lot easier to think when she was sober, surprisingly, so she could muse over her interrogation with Sakura in full detail. As far as she was concerned there was no ANBU with brown hair, who was a monster in bed, and enjoyed movies like _Romancing the Stone_. It just wasn't possible! No straight male could like that movie and be such a beast in the bedroom at the same time.

There was only one male possible of doing both at the same time. Only one man with enough self-control and testosterone to still look manly enough for Sakura to be attracted to him after watching such a romantic movie.

If only she could think of such a man. But she was sure there was only one.

"Any leads, Tsunade-sama?" Shizune asked, placing more paperwork down on the busty Hokage's desk. Said Hokage exhaled through her nose in irritation.

"Not a one. Everything that came from her mouth was obviously a lie. For a ninja she has horrible lying skills. Who raised her?"

"Some anonymous civilians, apparently. No one knows. We never see her parents. They're not important enough to the storyline, it seems."

"Poor things."

* * *

_AND CUT._

_Yay writers block._

_So a sucky chapter for such a long wait. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -kowtows at your feet-_


End file.
